Anger Iceberg: Printable Worksheet PDF and Therapist Guide

The anger iceberg is a simple picture. The anger people can see is only the tip, and under the water sit the feelings that are harder to show, such as hurt, fear, shame and grief. Most clients get it within a minute, which is why so many therapists use it.

This page explains the idea and where it comes from. It includes an anger iceberg worksheet written to your client that you can print or save as a PDF. Then comes the part for you: how to use it with adults, couples, teens and children, where it stops being enough, and how to note it in a progress note.

Every client in this article is invented. Any resemblance to a real person is a coincidence.

What is the anger iceberg?

Above the waterline is what other people notice: a raised voice, a slammed door, a sharp text, a cold silence, a clenched jaw. Below it are the feelings that came first or came along with the anger. Hurt, fear, shame and grief are the usual ones. Feeling powerless, treated unfairly, or simply worn out often show up there too.

Why would anger cover them? Anger feels strong. It pushes people back and gets things moving. Hurt and fear feel weak and exposed, and shame makes people want to hide. A manual from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) on group anger management says it plainly: "we may become angry when we feel abandoned, afraid, discounted, disrespected, guilty, humiliated, impatient, insecure, jealous, or rejected." It calls these "the core or primary feelings that underlie our anger" and adds: "It is easy to discount these primary feelings because they often make us feel vulnerable" (Reilly and Shopshire, SAMHSA, updated 2019).

In therapy, the iceberg does three useful things:

It changes the question from "How do I stop being angry?" to "What is my anger telling me?"
It gives the client and therapist shared, everyday words for feelings that are hard to name.
It leads to a need, and a need can become a request instead of an attack.

What it doesn't do: excuse behavior, or prove that every anger is secretly something else. The same SAMHSA manual notes that anger can be "a moral response to injustice or a rational response to a threat." Sometimes the honest answer under the water is "Something unfair happened, and anger fits." The worksheet leaves room for that.

Where the anger iceberg comes from

The Gottman Institute's version. The anger iceberg most people find online is a 2016 post on the Gottman Institute's blog, "The Anger Iceberg," by Kyle Benson (last updated in 2026). The post describes anger as the visible part of an iceberg, with other feelings below the surface, and names embarrassment, loneliness, depression and fear among them. It then gives partners three tips for listening to anger. Its graphic is credited as "Inspired by the Creative Play Therapist," and the post doesn't say who first came up with the metaphor. We don't reproduce that graphic here; you can read the Gottman Institute's anger iceberg post and see it there.

Broader roots. The idea under the picture is older than the post, and it comes from more than one tradition:

Primary and secondary emotions.Emotion-focused therapy has long separated different kinds of emotion in therapy (Greenberg and Safran, 1989), including "secondary" reactions that cover a more primary feeling. In a study of clients working through distress in experiential therapy, "aggressive anger" sat with fear and shame among the less processed states, while "assertive anger, self-soothing, hurt, and grief" appeared later, as "states of advanced processing." Putting needs into words was part of "a pivotal step in change" (Pascual-Leone and Greenberg, 2007).
Satir's personal iceberg.Family therapist Virginia Satir used an iceberg too: behavior above the waterline, and layers such as feelings, perceptions, expectations and yearnings below it (Satir, Banmen, Gerber and Gomori, The Satir Model, 1991).
CBT anger management.SAMHSA's manual teaches four kinds of anger cues: physical, behavioral, emotional and cognitive. It treats the emotional cues as primary feelings and says "we will view anger as a secondary emotion to these more primary feelings." Its sample anger control plan includes "Explore primary feelings beneath the anger."

What the evidence says. The anger iceberg is a teaching metaphor, not a validated model or a measure. In October 2026 we searched PubMed for studies of the anger iceberg as an intervention and found none. Most results were sports studies of the "iceberg profile," a mood pattern on the Profile of Mood States, which is a different idea.

Anger treatment itself does have evidence. A meta-analysis of 23 controlled studies with adults found "medium to large effect sizes across therapies" (Del Vecchio and O'Leary, 2004). The research on primary and secondary emotion also warns against assuming all anger hides something. In a study of skills training for borderline personality disorder, more "primary 'assertive' anger" went with symptom improvement (Kramer et al., 2016).

So use the iceberg inside a treatment you would use anyway, as a quick way to talk about the feelings under anger. Track progress with something else: how often episodes happen, how intense they get, and the client's own goals.

How to print this page or save it as a PDF

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To save a PDF: in the print window, choose "Save as PDF" as the printer. You can keep the file with your handouts or send it to a client.
To print only the worksheet: in the print preview, find the pages from "Anger iceberg worksheet" to "End of the worksheet," and enter just those pages as the page range.
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Anger iceberg worksheet

What's under my anger?

Anger is a real feeling, and it often has company. This sheet helps you look at one moment when you got angry: what showed on the outside, and what else was going on underneath. There are no wrong answers. Sometimes anger is just anger, and you can write that too.

The moment

When it happened: ________________________________
Where I was, and who was there: ________________________________
What happened just before I got angry: ________________________________

Above the water: what showed

What could someone else see or hear?

What I said: ________________________________
What I did: ________________________________
What my face, voice or body did: ________________________________
How angry I got, from 0 (calm) to 10 (the angriest I get): ______

Under the water: what else was there

Circle any words that fit, even a little. More than one is normal.

Hurt: let down, left out, betrayed, unappreciated, rejected
Fear: worried, scared, unsafe, out of control, afraid of losing someone
Shame: embarrassed, humiliated, not good enough, guilty, exposed
Grief: sad, missing someone, disappointed, lonely, lost
Powerless: helpless, trapped, ignored, not heard, pushed around
Treated unfairly: disrespected, judged, blamed, cheated
Worn down: tired, hungry, stressed, overwhelmed, in pain
Just angry: something wrong happened, and anger fits
My own words: ________________________________

Now look at what you circled.

The strongest feeling under my anger: ________________________________
Where I felt it in my body: ________________________________

What I needed

People often need things like these: to be heard, respect, safety, rest, help, an apology, fairness, to be included, time alone, or to know someone they love is okay.

What I needed in that moment: ________________________________
Who could help with that, or what I could do myself: ________________________________
How I could ask for it: "I feel __________, and I need __________."

What I'll try next time

The first sign I'll watch for (in my body, my thoughts or my words): ________________________________
What I'll do when I notice it: ________________________________
What I'll say instead: ________________________________
If I need a break, I'll say: "I need ______ minutes. I'll come back to this at ______."
Ideas to choose from: take a break and come back, slow my breathing, go for a walk, name the feeling under the anger, ask for what I need, talk to someone I trust, write it down.

Bring this to your next session

What I want to talk about: ________________________________

If anger turns into hurting someone, or someone is hurting you

Tell your therapist. If anyone is in danger right now, call 911. If you're thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the US). If someone at home is hurting, threatening or controlling you, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

End of the worksheet. The rest of this page is for therapists.

How to introduce the anger iceberg in session

The worksheet works best on a recent, specific moment, explored once the client is calm. These steps follow the order of the sheet.

Start with the anger, not past it. Validate first: "It makes sense you were angry. Something mattered." Clients who feel blamed for being angry won't look underneath.
Pick one moment. "My anger" in general is too big. Ask for the episode from this week that stuck with them most.
Work from the top down. Begin above the water, with what someone else would have seen or heard, and the 0 to 10 rating. It's concrete and feels less exposing.
Slow down at the waterline. "What happened just before the anger showed up?" "If the anger stepped aside for a second, what would be left?"
Hand over the list. Most clients find words faster from a list than from a blank page.
Ask about the need. It turns insight into something the client can do.
Plan one small change. One early sign to notice and one thing to do about it is enough for a week.
Check whether this one is just anger. If the anger fits the situation, the work is expressing it clearly and safely, not finding a hidden feeling.
Repeat it. Over several weeks, patterns show up: the same feeling under different episodes, the same early sign.

A few cautions on pacing:

Offer guesses as questions ("I wonder if there was some fear in there?"), never as verdicts ("You're really just ashamed").
Shame is the hardest feeling to name. Expect it late, and don't push for it in an early session.
Some clients were taught that anger is the only feeling they're allowed to show. Others were taught it's the one feeling they must never show. Ask about it, and respect what they bring from family and culture.

A short script you can adapt:

Wording to copy12 lines

Let's look at one moment from this week, the onethat stuck with you most.First, what would someone have seen or heard?How angry were you, from 0 to 10?Anger usually makes sense. It tells us something mattered.Let's look under the water for a minute.What happened just before the anger showed up?Here's a list of feelings. Do any of these fit, even a bit?Which one was strongest? Where did you feel it?What did you need right then?How could you ask for that next time?If this one was just anger, that's an answer too.

Using the anger iceberg with adults, couples, teens and children

Adults

After a specific episode.Go through the worksheet together in session, then have the client fill one in after the next episode at 6 out of 10 or higher.
In CBT anger management.The iceberg is a picture of the emotional cues step. Add "name the feeling under the anger" to the client's anger control plan, beside time-outs and other tools. Our anger management worksheets include a control plan, an anger log and a thermometer.
After trauma.The VA's National Center for PTSD notes that "When faced with extreme threat, people often respond with anger" (Anger and Trauma). Fear is often under the water. Go slowly, and have a grounding skill ready, such as the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding worksheet.
In grief.Anger at the person who died, at doctors or at God is common. The iceberg can show the loss under it without telling the client the anger is wrong.
With substance use.SAMHSA's manual was written for clients with substance use and mental health problems, and notes that anger and substance use disorders often occur together.
When anger sits on top of depression or anxiety.Irritability can be part of both. A PHQ-9 or GAD-7 helps you see what else is going on.
In your formulation.Patterns across several worksheets, such as shame showing up whenever a client feels criticized at work, belong in your case conceptualization.
When the client doesn't see a problem.If anger is "everyone else's fault," the iceberg can feel like an accusation. Motivational interviewing questions about what anger costs them may need to come first.

Couples

Screen first. Before any joint work on anger, meet each partner alone and ask about violence, threats, fear and control. What you learn decides whether joint sessions are safe (see the safety section below).
One iceberg per person. Each partner fills in their own worksheet about their own anger, ideally about the same moment. No one fills in the other partner's underwater feelings.
Share one feeling and one need. "When you ______, I got angry. Under it I felt ______. What I needed was ______." The listener reflects it back before replying.
Listen to anger without taking the bait. The Gottman post suggests not taking a partner's anger personally, never telling them to "calm down," and looking for the obstacle the anger is reacting to.
Watch for the iceberg used as a weapon. "You're not angry, you're just insecure" is an interpretation of the other person, and it usually escalates. Each person names only their own feelings.
If one partner is afraid of the other, stop joint conflict work and follow the safety section.

Teens

Let them choose the moment.Teens who feel lectured shut down. Ask for a moment they want to understand, not the one a parent reported.
Agree on privacy first.Tell the teen what you will and won't share with parents, and the safety exceptions, before they write anything.
Use their words."Embarrassed in front of everyone" or "it wasn't fair" beats a clinical label. They can keep their answers in the notes app on their phone.
Think about depression.The National Institute of Mental Health's guide for teens asks, "Do you get easily frustrated, irritable, or angry?" among its questions about depression (Teen Depression). New or constant anger in a teen is a reason to screen.
Ask about the rest of their life:sleep, school, friendships, online conflict, bullying, alcohol and drugs.

Children

Draw it.A large iceberg on paper works better than a form. The child draws or names the angry part on top (yelling, stomping, hitting a pillow) and picks feeling faces for underneath.
Use fewer words.Three to five feelings is plenty: sad, scared, embarrassed, left out, tired.
Do it after the storm.A child in the middle of a meltdown needs calming, not questions. Use the iceberg once they've settled, or the next session.
Use play."What was under the dinosaur's mad?" lets a child talk about feelings at one step removed.
Ask where mad lives in the body:hot face, tight fists, a buzzy tummy. Those become the child's early signs.
Bring in caregivers.Teach parents the picture so they can ask "What's under your mad?" at home once things are calm. Many parents find it useful to fill in their own iceberg about their reaction to the child's anger.
Look beyond the iceberg.Anger in children can come from poor sleep, hunger, sensory overload, learning differences, bullying, or stress or harm at home. If you suspect abuse or neglect, you're very likely a mandated reporter; the Child Welfare Information Gateway summarizes state mandatory reporting laws.

When anger involves violence or abuse

The anger iceberg is a tool for understanding feelings. It is not a substitute for a risk assessment, and it doesn't make behavior safe or acceptable. When anger comes with any of the following, assess risk first and treat the iceberg as later work, if it fits at all:

Hitting, pushing, restraining, or throwing or breaking things.
Threats to hurt or kill someone, including the client.
Weapons, especially access to a gun.
Choking or strangling.
A partner, child or anyone else at home who is afraid.
Controlling behavior: tracking, isolating, controlling money or daily life.
Recent separation, stalking, or a protective order.

Several of these are items on the Danger Assessment, a 20-item instrument developed by Jacquelyn Campbell to help determine an abused woman's risk of being killed by her partner. Its site notes that scoring and interpretation are taught in its training (Danger Assessment).

When your client is the one causing harm

Ask directly about what happened, how often, how badly anyone was hurt, and whether there are weapons in the home.
Know your state's duty-to-warn or duty-to-protect rules before a client discloses a threat. The National Conference of State Legislatures notes that "Most states have laws that either require or permit mental health professionals to disclose information about patients who may become violent" (Duty to Warn).
Keep the focus on the behavior and on safety. Understanding a feeling doesn't excuse what was done with it.
Consider specialized help, such as an intervention program for people who harm their partners, and consult or seek supervision.

When your client is the one being harmed

Don't use the iceberg to help a client understand or excuse a partner's anger. "He's just hurt underneath" can keep someone in danger.
Focus on safety planning and risk, and offer the National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
In video sessions, confirm the client is alone and can talk freely, and agree on a word that means "I can't talk now."

In couples work

Screen each partner alone. If there is fear, coercive control or ongoing violence, joint sessions about conflict are not the place to start.
The Hotline says it does "not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner," partly because "An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner" (The Hotline).
Researchers including John Gottman have tested a screening tool built to tell "characterologically violent, situationally violent, and distressed non-violent couples" apart, so that only situationally violent couples were invited to a joint workshop (Friend et al., 2011).
If a partner discloses abuse in an individual meeting, don't bring it into a joint session without their agreement and a safety plan.

When anger turns inward

The National Institute of Mental Health lists feeling "full of rage" and talking about "Great guilt or shame" among the warning signs of suicide. When shame or rage shows up under the water, ask about suicide directly.
In the US, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline takes calls and texts.

Document any risk assessment in full, separately from the iceberg work. Our DAP notes examples include a risk note written out in full.

How to note the anger iceberg in a progress note

"Explored client's anger" tells a reader almost nothing. A good note says what happened, what showed, what the client found underneath, and what comes next.

The moment, briefly, and who was involved. Keep details about other people to what the record needs.
Above the water: the behavior in plain, observable words, and the 0 to 10 rating.
Under the water: the feelings the client named, in their words or as chosen from the list. Write "client identified," not "client is."
The need and the plan.
The intervention by name: for example, "anger iceberg worksheet (emotion identification)" alongside any CBT anger management work.
Risk: what you asked about violence, threats, weapons and safety at home, and what the client said.
Homework: the worksheet given or its link sent, and when you'll review it.

An example in DAP format. Invented client: a 38-year-old we'll call Marcus, seen by video for irritability since losing his job.

Wording to copy26 lines

Data: Fifth session, by video. Client was alone in hisparked car at home. Reported shouting at his partner onSaturday when she asked about his job search, andslamming a cupboard door; rated anger 8/10. Asked aboutpushing, hitting, threats, weapons and fear at home:client denied all; no firearms in the home; said hispartner told him she was "upset, not scared." Completedthe anger iceberg worksheet in session. Under the angerhe circled "embarrassed," "not good enough" and"worried," and said "I felt like a failure." Neednamed: "not being asked about it every day." PHQ-9today 11 (13 two weeks ago).Assessment: Anger episode appears to rest on shame andworry about unemployment, consistent with the workingformulation. First session in which client linked hisanger to a feeling other than frustration. No currentindicators of risk to others by client report; continueto ask each session. Moderate depressive symptoms,slightly improved.Plan: Client will complete the worksheet after anyepisode rated 6/10 or higher and bring it next session.Practice "I feel embarrassed when..., and I need..."with partner. Agreed break rule: 20 minutes, thenreturn to the talk. Worksheet link sent. Next session:review worksheets, plan a weekly job-search check-inwith partner. Repeat PHQ-9 in two weeks.

In BIRP, the worksheet goes under Intervention and what the client found goes under Response; see our BIRP note examples. In couples work, follow your setting's policy on joint records, and never record a partner's private safety disclosure where the other partner could read it. For wording, the progress notes cheat sheet lists clinical words for interventions and client responses.

How this works in TranqBay

TranqBay is practice software for therapists in private practice: a practice website, online booking, video sessions and session notes in one place. Here is where the anger iceberg fits.

Booking for individuals and couples. Your booking page can list individual and couples sessions as separate services, each with its own length and fee.
Video sessions are end-to-end encrypted and HIPAA-ready. TranqBay's Business Associate Agreement applies when you accept the Terms, with no separate document to sign.
Session notes come in DAP, BIRP, SOAP or GIRP format, or as a blank note in your own words. The structured formats are part of the advanced note templates, which some plans include.
Forms before the session. The form library has ready-made templates you can send a client for a session, including general, couples, child and family intake forms, consent to treat, telehealth consent, the PHQ-9 and the GAD-7. The client fills them in online and the answers wait with the session. TranqBay doesn't score them; you can use the scoring tools linked above.
The worksheet itself lives on this page. Send your client the link, or print it.

practice.tranqbay.health shows a practice website design and the booking page your clients would use, with individual and couples sessions listed side by side, so you can see how a couple would book with you before you set anything up.

Frequently asked questions about the anger iceberg

Is there an anger iceberg PDF I can download?

This page works as one. Print this page or save it as a PDF from your browser's print window, and set the page range to the worksheet pages if you only want the client handout.

Who created the anger iceberg?

No single creator is known. The best-known version is a 2016 Gottman Institute blog post by Kyle Benson, whose graphic is credited as inspired by the Creative Play Therapist. The idea underneath, that anger can cover more primary feelings, appears earlier in emotion-focused therapy, in Virginia Satir's iceberg and in CBT anger management manuals.

Is the anger iceberg evidence-based?

Not on its own. It's a teaching metaphor, and we found no study testing it as an intervention. Anger treatments, mostly cognitive and behavioral ones, do have research support, and the iceberg can be one part of them.

What emotions are under the anger iceberg?

Most often hurt, fear, shame and grief. Feeling powerless, disrespected, rejected or lonely, and physical states like tiredness, hunger and pain, are common too. More than one is normal.

Is anger always a secondary emotion?

No. Anger can be the fitting response to injustice or threat, and emotion researchers describe healthy "assertive" anger as a primary emotion. Ask "Is this one just anger?" before you go looking underneath.

How do you use the anger iceberg in couples therapy?

After screening each partner alone for violence and fear, each partner fills in their own iceberg about the same moment. Then each shares one feeling from under the water and one need while the other listens and reflects. Nobody interprets the other person's iceberg.

Can children use the anger iceberg?

Yes, in a simpler form: a drawing, three to five feeling faces, and a calm moment after the anger has passed. Teaching the caregiver the same picture helps them use it at home.

What is an anger iceberg activity?

Any exercise built on the picture: filling in a worksheet, drawing an iceberg, sorting feeling cards above and below a waterline, or role-playing a conversation that starts from the feeling underneath. In groups, members can fill in icebergs for a shared example before doing their own.

Should I use the anger iceberg when there is domestic violence?

Not as your first step. Assess risk and safety first. Don't use it to help a client understand or excuse a partner's abusive anger, and don't use it in joint sessions when one partner is afraid of the other.

Before your next session

Print one copy and try it on a moment of your own anger first. You'll find the questions that are hard to answer, and you'll introduce it better. Then use it with one client on one specific moment, and look at what was under the water together.

If you want booking, video sessions and session notes in one place, see how TranqBay works for private practice: you can look at a practice website design and the booking page your clients would use, including how couples sessions appear next to individual ones. If you're deciding whether to join, this page explains how joining TranqBay works.

Sources

17 sources

gottman.com 1Federal 3Research 6Print 1thehotline.org 2States 1dangerassessment.org 1ncsl.org 1988 Lifeline 1

gottman.com1

1Benson K. The Anger Iceberg. The Gottman Institute blog (2016, updated 2026)gottman.comhttps://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/

Other federal agencies3

Research6

Books and papers1

11Satir V, Banmen J, Gerber J, Gomori M. The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Science and Behavior Books (1991)

thehotline.org2

Updated October 25, 2026. Found it useful? Send it to a colleague.