DEAR MAN DBT Skill: Printable Worksheet and Therapist Guide

If you searched for a DEAR MAN DBT worksheet to give a client, this page is built to be one. The worksheet below is written to your client in plain words: what each letter means, prompts with space to write, and a practice log. Print this page or save it as a PDF from your browser, and fill it in together in session.

After the worksheet comes the part for you: four example scripts, where the DEAR MAN skill sits in DBT next to GIVE and FAST, what the evidence says, how to teach and role-play it, how to adapt it for teens, couples and clients facing someone with more power, when not to use it, and how to note it in a progress note.

About this worksheet. DEAR MAN comes from Marsha Linehan's dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Our explanations are based on her DBT Skills Training Manual, 2nd edition (Guilford Press, 2015). Her handouts and worksheets are copyrighted, and we don't reproduce them. Everything on this page, the worksheet included, is our own wording.

Every client and example in this article is invented. Any resemblance to a real person is a coincidence.

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DEAR MAN worksheet

Asking for what you want, or saying no: the DEAR MAN skill

Some conversations are hard to start: asking for help, asking someone to stop doing something, or saying no when you'd usually give in. DEAR MAN helps you plan what you'll say and how you'll say it, so you're more likely to be heard and to feel good about how you handled it, whatever the answer.

Plan it here first. Short and clear beats long and perfect.

Step 1: What do you want?

The conversation is with: ______________________
What I want to happen, or what I want to say no to: ______________________
How much this matters to me, 0 to 10: ______
How nervous I feel about it, 0 to 10: ______

Step 2: What matters most this time?

Every hard conversation has three things at stake. Number them 1, 2 and 3.

___ Getting what I ask for, or making my no stick
___ Keeping the relationship in good shape
___ Feeling good about myself afterward

If the relationship or your self-respect comes first, that's fine. Your therapist can show you two related skills, GIVE and FAST, that help with those.

Step 3: What you'll say (DEAR)

D: Describe. Say what happened in one or two sentences, using only facts anyone could have seen. Leave out "always", "never" and guesses about why they did it.

Example: "The last three weeknights, music was playing in the living room after midnight."

My Describe: ______________________

E: Express. Say how you feel or what you think about it, starting with "I". They may not know until you tell them.

Example: "I'm exhausted at work the next day, and I've started dreading bedtime."

My Express: ______________________

A: Assert. Ask for what you want, or say no, in plain words. One clear sentence. A hint isn't an ask.

Example: "I'd like the music off, or on headphones, after 11 on weeknights."

My Assert: ______________________

R: Reinforce. Tell them what's good for them if they say yes, or simply thank them for hearing you out.

Example: "That would make a big difference to me, and I'll keep things quiet before your early shifts too."

My Reinforce: ______________________

Step 4: How you'll say it (MAN)

M: stay Mindful. Keep your eye on what you asked for. If the talk drifts, or they push back, calmly say your request again, like a friendly broken record. You don't have to answer every side point today.

What I'll repeat if things drift: ______________________

A: Appear confident. Use a steady voice and sit or stand tall, even if you're shaking inside. Look at them if that feels right to you. Skip openers like "Sorry, this is probably silly."

One thing I'll do to come across as confident: ______________________

N: Negotiate. Know ahead of time what you could offer, or what smaller yes you'd accept. You can also ask, "What would work for you?"

What I could offer: ______________________
The least I'll accept: ______________________
If it gets heated, I'll say: ______________________

For example: "Let's pick this up tomorrow."

Step 5: Your script

Put it all together in a few sentences. Read it out loud twice, or practice with your therapist or someone you trust.

______________________________________
______________________________________
______________________________________
When and where I'll say it: ______________________

After the conversation

What happened: ______________________
What went well: ______________________
What I'd try differently: ______________________
How I feel about myself now, 0 to 10: ______
How the relationship feels now, 0 to 10: ______

You won't always get what you ask for, even when you ask well. Asking clearly, and staying fair to yourself and the other person, counts as a win on its own.

Practice log

Start with small things: returning something to a store, choosing the restaurant, asking a coworker for five minutes. Then move up to the harder conversations.

Date: ______ With: ______ I asked for or said no to: ______ Self-respect after, 0 to 10: ______
Date: ______ With: ______ I asked for or said no to: ______ Self-respect after, 0 to 10: ______
Date: ______ With: ______ I asked for or said no to: ______ Self-respect after, 0 to 10: ______
Date: ______ With: ______ I asked for or said no to: ______ Self-respect after, 0 to 10: ______
Date: ______ With: ______ I asked for or said no to: ______ Self-respect after, 0 to 10: ______

Bring this sheet to your next session, including the times it didn't go to plan. Those tell your therapist the most.

When not to use this on your own

If speaking up could make someone angry enough to hurt you, or you're afraid of the person, don't use this sheet alone. Talk it through with your therapist first: staying safe comes before any skill. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. If you might hurt yourself or someone else, call or text 988, or call 911.

End of the worksheet. The rest of this page is for therapists.

DEAR MAN examples: four scripts you can show clients

A finished script often makes the skill click faster than the seven letters alone. These four cover a workplace ask, a refusal, a conversation with a doctor and a teen asking a parent. Show one that's close to your client's situation, then write theirs.

1. At work: asking for notice before weekend shifts

Describe:"Twice this month I was added to Saturday shifts on Friday afternoon."
Express:"I want to be reliable, and with one day's notice I can't arrange childcare."
Assert:"Could you give me at least a week's notice for weekend shifts?"
Reinforce:"With a week's notice, I can say yes much more often."
Mindful:if the manager says "Everyone's stretched", the reply is "I know, and I'm asking for a week's notice."
Appear confident:a calm voice, then a short email afterward that repeats the request.
Negotiate:"If a week isn't possible, could we do three days, with me on the weekend list once a month?"

2. Saying no: a brother asking to borrow money again

Describe:"You've asked to borrow money three times this year, and I've said yes each time."
Express:"I care about you, and I'm feeling stretched and a little resentful, which I don't like."
Assert:"I'm not going to lend money this time."
Reinforce:"Saying no now means I won't end up angry with you, and that matters more to me."
Mindful:to "just this once", the reply is "I hear you. My answer is still no."
Appear confident:one reason, not a list of excuses. A long list invites a debate.
Negotiate:"I can't lend money, but I can sit down with you on Sunday and look at the bills."

3. At the doctor's office: asking for a clearer explanation

Describe:"You said my test results were borderline."
Express:"I'm worried, because I don't understand what that means for me."
Assert:"Before I leave today, could you explain what the numbers mean and what happens next?"
Reinforce:"If I understand it, I'll be much better at sticking to the plan."
Mindful:if the visit is being wrapped up: "I know you're busy. I'd still like two minutes on this."
Appear confident:bring the question written down, and read it if you need to.
Negotiate:"If there's no time today, could someone call me this week to go over it?"

4. A teen asking a parent: a later curfew for one night

Describe:"The school concert ends at 9:30, and everyone's going out for food after."
Express:"I really want to go, and I feel left out when I'm always the first to leave."
Assert:"Can my curfew be 11 on Saturday?"
Reinforce:"I'll text you when we get there and when we're leaving."
Mindful:if the talk turns to last month's grades: "Can we talk about grades tomorrow? Tonight I'm asking about Saturday."
Appear confident:ask at a calm moment, not as a parent is walking out the door.
Negotiate:"If 11 is too late, could it be 10:30 if you pick me up?"

Where DEAR MAN fits in DBT: interpersonal effectiveness, GIVE and FAST

Marsha Linehan developed DBT for people with chronic suicidal behavior and borderline personality disorder, and NIMH names it among the established treatments for borderline personality disorder (NIMH). Comprehensive DBT has four parts: weekly individual therapy, a weekly skills training group, phone coaching between sessions, and a consultation team for the therapists. The skills group is a class, not a process group; each session reviews homework and teaches new material (DBT-Linehan Board of Certification).

The skills come in four modules: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. DEAR MAN belongs to interpersonal effectiveness, which starts from a simple idea: in any conversation that matters, three things can be at stake, and the client chooses which comes first (Linehan, 2015). Our DBT skills list gives every skill in each module in one place.

Objectives effectiveness: getting what you asked for.Did the client get the yes, or make the no stick? This is DEAR MAN.
Relationship effectiveness: keeping or improving the relationship.How does the client want the other person to feel about them afterward? This is GIVE: be gentle, without attacks, threats or put-downs; act interested in the other person's side, validate what makes sense in their view; and use an easy manner, with some lightness and a relaxed face. Our GIVE skill guide has a worksheet and the six levels of validation.
Self-respect effectiveness: liking how you acted.How does the client want to feel about themselves afterward? This is FAST: be fair to both people, skip apologies that aren't owed (including apologizing for having asked), stick to your values, and be truthful, describing things as they are rather than bigger or smaller.

Clients rank the three before a conversation. With a landlord, the objective may be all that matters. With a partner, the relationship may come first even when the request is the same. In practice the three blend: DEAR MAN gives the conversation its structure, GIVE sets its tone with someone who matters, and FAST keeps the client from caving or over-apologizing to keep the peace. Step 2 of the worksheet is this ranking in plain words.

The module covers more than three acronyms. Linehan's manual also helps clients spot what gets in the way (missing skills, worry thoughts, strong emotion, not knowing what they want, and situations where even a skilled request won't work), and gives a structured way to decide how strongly to ask or how firmly to refuse, by weighing questions such as whether the other person is able to give what's asked, whether the timing is right, and whether the request fits the relationship. The 2015 edition added skills for building relationships, ending destructive ones, and walking the middle path between acceptance and change. Guilford published a revised edition of the manual in 2025 that keeps all the skills of the second edition and updates its language and examples.

DBT or DBT-informed? Teaching DEAR MAN in individual therapy, without the skills group, phone coaching and consultation team, is DBT-informed skills work. It's useful and common, but it isn't comprehensive DBT. Describe it accurately on your website and in your notes ("DBT-informed skills training") unless you deliver the full model. The DBT-Linehan Board of Certification certifies clinicians and programs that do.

Is DEAR MAN evidence-based? What the research shows

DEAR MAN hasn't been studied on its own. A PubMed search for the phrase found no study of the skill by name as of October 2026. The evidence is for DBT skills training as a package:

Skills training matters within DBT.In a 2015 randomized study of 99 women with borderline personality disorder and recent suicidal behavior, three versions of DBT reduced suicide attempts about equally. The two versions that included skills training did better on the frequency of self-harm and on depression, and only those two improved anxiety during the treatment year. The authors concluded that interventions with skills training "are more effective than DBT without skills training" (Linehan et al., 2015).
Using skills appears to be part of how DBT works.Across three randomized studies with 108 women with borderline personality disorder, those treated with DBT reported using three times as many skills by the end of treatment as those in comparison treatments. Skills use fully mediated the drop in suicide attempts and depression and the gain in anger control (Neacsiu, Rizvi & Linehan, 2010). The study measured skills use with the DBT Ways of Coping Checklist (DBT-WCCL), a self-report scale.
Skills training on its own is promising but less proven.A systematic review of 17 studies that used DBT skills training without the other parts of DBT found preliminary support across a range of problems, but methodological limits "preclude us from drawing strong conclusions" (Valentine et al., 2015).

So teach DEAR MAN as one skill in a treatment plan, and check whether this client uses it and what happens when they do. The practice log and its ratings are there for that.

How to teach DEAR MAN in session

Linehan describes skills training in three stages: acquiring a skill, strengthening it through practice, and generalizing it to daily life. One session can cover the first two; generalizing takes weeks of real-world practice. A sequence that works in individual sessions:

Start from the client's life. Ask about a recent moment when they didn't ask, gave in, or asked so angrily it backfired. That moment becomes the first script.
Name the objective in one sentence. "I want my brother to stop asking for money" is a wish. "I'll say no to the next loan request" is something the client can do.
Rank the priorities: objective, relationship and self-respect, as on the worksheet. If the relationship comes first, plan to add GIVE. If the client tends to cave or over-apologize, add FAST.
Check it's a DEAR MAN situation. Is it safe to ask? Can the other person give what's asked? Is the timing right? See "When not to use DEAR MAN" below.
Teach the letters with the worksheet. DEAR is what you say; MAN is how you say it. One or two sentences per letter.
Write the script in the client's words, not yours. A script they'd never say out loud won't survive a real conversation.
Model it, then rehearse it (see the role-play steps below).
Plan the when, where and how: in person, by phone or in writing, which day, and what they'll do if it goes badly.
Start small. Assign one low-stakes practice before the hard conversation: asking a cashier to fix a charge, sending back a wrong order, choosing the restaurant.
Review the log next session, whatever the outcome. A no that the client handled well is still a success for the skill.

In a skills group, the same steps fit the usual structure: homework review first, then the new skill, with role-plays in pairs or threes.

How to role-play DEAR MAN

Rehearsal is where DEAR MAN becomes usable. Talking about assertiveness rarely changes what a client does when the other person frowns. Keep role-plays short (two or three minutes), specific and repeated.

Model it first, in role reversal. You play the client using their script; the client plays the other person. They hear how the request sounds, and often find it's harder to refuse than they expected.
Then switch. The client delivers the script and you play the other person, starting easy.
Raise the difficulty one step per round, using the ladder below.
Give one piece of feedback at a time, in behavioral terms: "Your Assert was clear. Try it again without 'if that's okay'."
Rehearse the repeat. Keep changing the subject until the client can return to the request calmly two or three times.
Rehearse the negotiation and the exit: the fallback offer, and a line that pauses the conversation ("Let's finish this tomorrow").
Rate it. Ask for confidence from 0 to 10 before and after. It gives you both a number to note and to compare next week.
In a group, work in threes: one asks, one responds and one watches with the seven letters as a checklist, then rotate.
By video, let the client keep the script on paper beside the screen, and agree in advance how you'll signal stepping out of the role. For a request the client will make by phone, try a rehearsal with cameras off.
For clients who freeze, start in writing: draft the text or email together, then rehearse it out loud.

The difficulty ladder, one level per round:

The other person listens and agrees.
They hesitate or ask questions.
They change the subject or bring up an old complaint.
They say no firmly.
They criticize the client or get irritated.

Stop at the level that matches the real conversation. There's no need to rehearse a fight the client won't face, and a role-play that turns harsh can feel like the real thing.

Common DEAR MAN mistakes and how to coach them

Describe turns into a verdict."You're so inconsiderate" isn't a description. Ask: "What would a video camera have recorded?"
Describe becomes the whole history.One recent example is enough. Older incidents can wait.
Express turns into blame."I feel you don't care" is a judgment with "I feel" in front of it. Coach for a feeling ("I feel hurt") or an opinion ("I don't think this is fair to me").
Express doesn't suit the setting.With a manager or a stranger, feelings may be out of place. A reason or an opinion does the job: "This schedule makes it hard for me to deliver."
The Assert is missing or hidden.Many clients describe and express, then stop, hoping the other person will offer. Others bury the request in a question that invites a no ("I don't suppose you could...?"). Ask: "What's the one sentence that names what you want?"
Reinforce sounds like a threat.Lead with what's good for the other person. If a consequence needs saying, state it once, calmly, as a natural result rather than a punishment.
Mindful turns into a debate.Clients who answer every side point lose the thread. Practice the repeat until it's boring.
Appear confident gets read as "fake it".It's about a steady voice, a clear request and not shrinking. Eye contact and directness carry different meanings across cultures and for many autistic clients; adapt them rather than drill them.
Negotiate comes too early, or never.Some clients offer a compromise before they've asked. Others treat any compromise as losing. Agree on the fallback and the minimum before the conversation.
Success is judged by the answer alone.A skilled request can still get a no. Ask the client to rate self-respect and the relationship too, as the worksheet does.

Adapting DEAR MAN: teens, couples and power differences

Teens

DBT for adolescents teaches skills to teens and their caregivers together, usually in a multifamily group, and adds a fifth module, Walking the Middle Path, for the dilemmas families get stuck in (Rathus & Miller, 2015).

Teach the caregivers too. When parents use DEAR MAN themselves, it becomes the family's way of asking, not a tool the teen uses on them.
Use the requests teens actually have: more independence, a later curfew, saying no to a friend, asking a teacher for an extension, telling a parent something hard.
Keep scripts short: a sentence per letter, saved in their phone notes. Teens who freeze in person can rehearse by text first.
Be honest about power. A parent or teacher can say no. Negotiate and Reinforce matter more here, and a calm request counts as a win even when the answer is no.
Respect family and cultural norms about questioning elders. Some teens will adjust the tone, the timing or whom they ask, and that's part of the skill.
Know your confidentiality limits before a teen practices with a parent. If the person a teen wants to confront is harming them, it's a safety and reporting question, not a skills exercise.

Couples

DBT ideas have been adapted for couples, notably in Alan Fruzzetti's The High-Conflict Couple (New Harbinger, 2006), which leans heavily on validation. DEAR MAN fits once both partners are working on the same thing.

Screen each partner alone first for violence, fear of the partner and controlling behavior. If any is present, don't teach DEAR MAN as a joint exercise; see the safety section below.
Teach both partners the same skill in the same session, so it becomes a shared language.
One request per conversation, with one recent example. Couples tend to bring the whole history to Describe.
Pair it with GIVE. A partner is exactly the person who needs a gentle tone and some validation along with the request.
Coach the listener too: hear the whole request, check it was understood, then answer.
Agree on a time-out rule in advance, with a set time to come back to the topic.
Watch for the skill used as a weapon ("That wasn't a proper DEAR MAN"). Name it, and return to the request.

Power differences: a boss, a landlord, a doctor, a school

Map the power first.What can this person give, and what could they do if annoyed? Linehan's questions on how strongly to ask help the client decide how hard to push.
Put it in writing when possible.An email with a short paragraph for each DEAR letter is easier to prepare, harder to derail, and leaves a record. Keep a copy.
Reinforce in their terms.A manager cares about coverage and reliability, a landlord about rent paid on time and fewer complaints, a clinic about patients following the plan.
Know the client's rights.For disability accommodations at work, the Job Accommodation Network explains how to ask. In a legal dispute, the first conversation should be with a lawyer or advocate.
Bring someone.A union representative, a patient advocate or a trusted friend can make the conversation safer and the request harder to brush off.
Name the real cost.For clients who face discrimination, or who depend on the other person for income, housing or care, speaking up carries real risk. The client decides how hard to push. Your job is to help them weigh it, not to push for them.

Clients who freeze or need time to process

A script on a card or in their phone. Reading it out is allowed.
A Negotiate line that buys time: "I'd like to think about this and get back to you tomorrow."
Written first, spoken later: the email or text version before the face-to-face one.
Sensory and processing needs (a quieter place, a set time, walking side by side) can be part of the plan.

When not to use DEAR MAN

DEAR MAN assumes the other person may push back but won't punish the client for asking. When that isn't true, a direct request can raise the risk. Hold off, or change the plan, when:

Speaking up could get the client hurt.With intimate partner violence, coercive control, an abusive parent or anyone who has threatened them, a direct request can escalate things. Safety planning comes first, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help a client make a plan (1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788). Don't assign homework that involves asserting with an abusive person.
The pushback becomes a threat.Repeating the request and not getting drawn in is for arguments and distractions. When someone threatens, the skilled response is to leave and get safe.
The client's emotion is at crisis level.No one runs a seven-step script at the peak. Use distress tolerance skills first (our 5-4-3-2-1 grounding worksheet is one option) and plan the conversation for later.
The other person can't take it in:they're intoxicated, in a rage, or in a medical or mental health crisis.
The objective itself is a risk:getting access to a means of harm, pressuring someone to stay in or return to a relationship, or confronting a person who harmed the client to get an apology before the client is ready for whatever answer comes.
The stakes are legal.Custody disputes, immigration matters, disciplinary hearings and contact with police call for knowing one's rights and getting legal advice. DEAR MAN can help a client prepare what to ask their lawyer; it doesn't replace one.
The client wants someone to change who has shown, many times, that they won't.Another script may not be the answer. FAST, acceptance skills or a decision about the relationship may fit better.
Suicidal or self-harm behavior is active.DBT treats life-threatening behavior before quality-of-life goals. Assess risk, make a safety plan and document it; DEAR MAN can wait. Our DAP notes examples include a risk note written in full. In the US, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline takes calls and texts.

One more case, a welcome one: clients may use DEAR MAN with you, about fees, scheduling or something in the work that isn't helping. Respond well. It's practice with a person who's on their side, and it shows them asking is allowed.

How to note DEAR MAN in a progress note

"Practiced DEAR MAN" tells a reviewer almost nothing. A useful note ties the skill to a treatment goal, says how you taught it, and records what the client could do by the end of the session.

The target:the treatment plan goal, and the real situation the script is for, without the other person's private details.
The intervention by name:"DEAR MAN (DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill)", taught with a worksheet, modeled and rehearsed in role-play.
The dose:how many rehearsals, and how you raised the difficulty.
The response:what the client did well, what needed coaching, and confidence ratings before and after.
Safety:that you checked it was safe for the client to use the skill with this person.
The plan:the real-world practice, the log, and what you'll review next time.

An example in DAP format. Invented client: a 38-year-old office manager we'll call Rosa, in her seventh video session of DBT-informed individual therapy for low mood and trouble saying no at work. Treatment goal 2: make direct requests and refusals at work.

Wording to copy29 lines

Data: Client joined by video from home in Oregon, alone,private room confirmed. Reported taking on three extraprojects this month and staying late four nights; said,"I can't say no to her." PHQ-9 total 11 (14 four weeksago). Denied thoughts of suicide or self-harm when asked.Reviewed practice log: one low-stakes request made (askeda cashier to correct a charge), self-respect 7/10.Taught DEAR MAN; client ranked priorities (objectivefirst, self-respect second). Wrote a script with clientto ask her supervisor to rank new projects before addingone. Therapist modeled the script in role reversal, thenclient rehearsed it 3 times with therapist as supervisor,from agreeing to pushing back and changing the subject.On the third rehearsal she repeated her request calmlyand offered a fallback (two deadlines moved). Confidence3/10 before rehearsal, 6/10 after. Client reports nofear of harm from the supervisor.Assessment: Over-committing appears to be kept going byfear of disapproval and a missing skill for directrequests, not by low motivation. Client can use DEAR MANin rehearsal with coaching and has begun making requestsin low-stakes settings; the skill is not yet generalizedto work. Risk unchanged. Continued weekly therapy isneeded for goal 2.Plan: Client will use the script with her supervisor atThursday's check-in and log it, plus two low-stakesrequests. Therapist will debrief the conversation, reviewthe log and introduce FAST for over-apologizing. Nextsession in one week by video. Goal 2 continues.

In BIRP, the teaching and role-play go under Intervention, and the ratings and what she could do by the end go under Response. In SOAP, her report goes in Subjective and what you saw in the rehearsal in Objective. The DAP notes examples include a note for one member of a group, the BIRP note examples and SOAP note examples show the other formats in full, and the progress notes cheat sheet has wording for interventions and client response.

Phrases you can adapt:

Taught DEAR MAN, a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill, using a written worksheet.
Clarified the client's objective and ranked priorities: objective, relationship, self-respect.
Modeled the script in role reversal; client rehearsed 3 times with graded difficulty.
Coached client to repeat her request when the role-play partner changed the subject.
Client generated a fallback offer for the negotiation step.
Confidence rated 3/10 before and 6/10 after rehearsal.
Reviewed the safety of using the skill with [person]; client reports no fear of harm.
Client reports using DEAR MAN with [relationship] without prompting; outcome: [ ].

A treatment plan objective with DEAR MAN in it: "Over the next 8 weeks, client will make at least two direct requests or refusals a week using DEAR MAN, recorded on her practice log, with self-respect rated 6/10 or higher afterward." If you use a diary card, add a DEAR MAN row so skills use is tracked between sessions.

How this works in TranqBay

TranqBay is practice software for therapists in private practice: a practice website, online booking, video sessions and session notes in one place. Here's where DEAR MAN work fits.

Your practice website is where clients who search for help speaking up or setting limits read how you work. If you teach DBT-informed skills, it's the place to describe them accurately, as above.
Online booking lets clients book the follow-up session where you review their practice log.
Video sessions are HIPAA-ready, and TranqBay signs a Business Associate Agreement with you, so the role-plays above can happen by video inside your practice software.
Session notes come in DAP, BIRP, SOAP or GIRP format, or as a blank note in your own words. The structured formats are part of the advanced note templates, which some plans include.
Forms before the first session. The form library has ready-made templates you can send a client for a session, including intake, consent to treat, telehealth consent, the PHQ-9 and the GAD-7. The client fills them in online and the answers wait with the session. TranqBay doesn't score them; the PHQ-9 and GAD-7 calculators do.
The worksheet lives on this page. Send your client the link, or print it.

practice.tranqbay.health shows a practice website, the booking page a client uses and a session from the video call to its note, so you can see where a skills session and its note would sit.

Frequently asked questions about DEAR MAN

What does DEAR MAN stand for in DBT?

Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, (stay) Mindful, Appear confident and Negotiate. DEAR is what you say; MAN is how you say it.

Who created the DEAR MAN skill?

Marsha Linehan, as part of the interpersonal effectiveness module of dialectical behavior therapy. The standard reference is her DBT Skills Training Manual, 2nd edition (2015); a revised edition with the same skills followed in 2025.

Is there a DEAR MAN worksheet PDF?

This page works as one. Print it, or choose "Save as PDF" in your browser's print window. Set the page range to the worksheet pages if you only want the client handout.

Can I photocopy Linehan's DEAR MAN handout for clients?

Linehan's handouts are copyrighted and published by Guilford Press in DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, which Guilford describes as reproducible. The license printed in the book sets out who may copy them and for what, so read it first. Posting them on a website or a shared drive is a different matter from giving a copy to your own client. Explaining the skill in your own words and making your own worksheet, as this page does, avoids the question.

What's the difference between DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST?

They serve the three priorities of interpersonal effectiveness: DEAR MAN for getting what you ask for, GIVE for keeping the relationship, and FAST for keeping your self-respect. Most hard conversations use some of each.

Can you use DEAR MAN to say no?

Yes. The Assert step can be a clear no, and staying Mindful helps the no hold when the other person keeps asking. One reason is enough; a long list invites a debate.

Isn't the Reinforce step manipulative?

Not when it's honest. Reinforce means telling the other person what's in it for them, or thanking them, as any fair request does. It becomes manipulation when the reward is false or turns into a threat.

Does DEAR MAN work by text or email?

Often well, especially when the other person has more power. Writing gives the client time to plan and leaves a record. Describe, Express, Assert and Reinforce become short paragraphs; Mindful and Negotiate happen in the replies.

Is DEAR MAN evidence-based?

DBT skills training has research support, and in one randomized study the versions of DBT that included skills training did better on self-harm and depression than DBT without it, and only they improved anxiety. DEAR MAN itself hasn't been tested on its own.

Before your next session

Pick one client who goes quiet, gives in or blows up when they need something. Print the worksheet, write one low-stakes script together, rehearse it twice, and look at the practice log next week.

If you're building a practice around skills-based work, see how TranqBay works for private practice: you can look at the practice website designs where you'd describe your DBT-informed work, and the booking page your clients would use. If you're deciding whether to join, this page explains how joining TranqBay works.

For acting against an emotion's urge when the emotion doesn't fit the facts, see our opposite action DBT worksheet.

Sources

12 sources

Books 3Research 4newharbinger.com 1dbt-lbc.org 1thehotline.org 1askjan.org 1988 Lifeline 1

Books and publishers3

Research4

Updated October 25, 2026. Found it useful? Send it to a colleague.