Emotional regulation plays an important role in how we respond to the emotions we experience every day. But what does it really mean to regulate your emotions, and what can you do when your emotions feel difficult to manage?
This article explains what emotional regulation is, why it matters for your mental health, signs that you may be struggling with it, and practical ways to improve it.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to understand and manage your emotions, then respond to them in ways that are appropriate and helpful.
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines emotion regulation as the ability to modulate an emotion or set of emotions. This can involve consciously changing how you think about a situation, shifting your attention, or choosing how to respond to an emotional experience.
Emotional regulation does not mean that you should stop feeling certain emotions. People who have developed stronger emotional regulation skills will still feel anger, sadness, fear, disappointment, anxiety and other difficult emotions. The major distinction is that they respond to these emotions differently.
Also, it is not the same as suppressing your emotions. Suppressing an emotion can mean pretending you are not affected or refusing to acknowledge what you feel. Emotional regulation, on the other hand, involves acknowledging what you are feeling without allowing the emotion to dictate how you react, especially when that reaction could be harmful to you or someone else.
Emotional self-control is NOT the same as overcontrol, the stifling of all feeling and spontaneity. — Daniel Goleman
Therefore, it is possible to be angry without lashing out or disappointed without allowing the disappointment to determine how you see yourself.Why Is Emotional Regulation Important for Mental Health?
Mental health is a broad concept that covers our emotional, psychological and social wellbeing. The way we respond to our emotions can influence our ability to cope with the challenges of everyday life.
Emotional regulation is an important part of mental well-being. It affects how we respond to difficult emotions, cope with stress, and function in our daily lives. The World Health Organization recognises the ability to regulate emotions as an important part of promoting mental health.
However, difficulty regulating your emotions does not automatically mean that you have a mental health disorder. Everyone has moments when an emotion feels bigger than they expected or when they react in a way they later regret. It becomes more concerning when these difficulties are intense and disruptive to everyday life.
How Can You Improve Your Emotional Regulation?
Difficulties with emotional regulation can become a concern when they make it difficult for someone to function in their everyday life. They may experience frequent emotional outbursts, act impulsively or become overwhelmed by situations that trigger strong emotions.
These experiences can have different causes, including prolonged stress, difficult life experiences, trauma and some mental health or neurodevelopmental conditions. A person may also struggle to regulate their emotions because they have not yet developed healthy ways of responding to them.
So, how can you improve your emotional regulation?
1. Understand that you can learn to regulate your emotions
Many people have responded to situations in the same way for so long that they begin to believe that is simply who they are. Perhaps they have always reacted with anger when they feel hurt, or become defensive when they are criticised. After years of responding this way, it can start to feel like a fixed part of their personality.
But a pattern that you have developed over time does not have to be the pattern you continue with.
You can learn to respond differently to your emotions. Emotional regulation is not something reserved for people who have always been naturally calm or in control of their emotions. With awareness and practice, you can learn to recognise your emotional responses and develop healthier ways of responding to them.
2. Name what you are feeling
No matter how many times you’ve heard it or how cliché it might sound, putting a name to what you’re feeling can help you recognise what you actually need.
There is a name for most emotions, even if it doesn’t perfectly capture your experience. Identifying the closest description can still help you understand what you are feeling.
Instead of simply knowing that something is wrong, try to identify the emotion behind it. Are you angry, disappointed, embarrassed, anxious, lonely or overwhelmed? Identifying the emotion can help you understand what you are experiencing and decide how to respond.
3. Pause before you act
One of the reasons for impulsive reactions is that there is often little time to pause and think through a situation before responding. Between experiencing an emotion and acting on it, there can be a pause.
That pause gives you an opportunity to process what has happened, understand what you are feeling and consider how you want to respond. You may still decide to act, but you are no longer reacting solely because the emotion pushed you to.
The point of the pause is to give yourself a moment to choose your response instead of acting on the first reaction that comes to mind.
4. Understand your emotional patterns
Situations are not the same, and neither are our responses to them. There may be certain situations that consistently bring out strong emotions in you. For example, being criticised may make you defensive, while being ignored may leave you feeling angry or rejected.
Paying attention to these patterns can help you understand what tends to trigger certain reactions in you. Once you recognise them, you can prepare for situations you know may be difficult and think ahead about what you can do differently when they occur. This may help you avoid falling back into the same reaction you have always had.
5. Find healthy ways to deal with difficult emotions
Finding healthy ways to process difficult emotions can help you work through what you are feeling and respond to it more appropriately. You could:
- Talk to someone you trust. Sharing what you are experiencing with someone you feel safe with can help you process the emotion.
- Write it down. Putting your thoughts and feelings into words can help you make sense of them.
- Pray or spend some quiet time reflecting. This can give you space to process what you are experiencing.
- Exercise or take a walk. Physical activity can be a useful way to release tension and clear your mind.
- Give yourself time to process what happened. You don't always have to figure out how you feel immediately.
6. Know when to seek help
If you frequently feel unable to control your emotions or your reactions and this is beginning to affect your relationships, responsibilities or everyday life, consider speaking with a mental health professional.
You do not have to wait until you can no longer cope before seeking help.
Conclusion
Emotional regulation is not about becoming someone who never gets angry, sad, anxious or overwhelmed. These emotions are part of being human. What matters is learning to recognise them and understanding how they affect the way you respond.
The way you have always reacted to certain situations does not have to be the way you continue to react. With awareness, practice and, when necessary, the right support, you can learn to respond differently.
You may not always be able to control what you feel, but you can learn to have more control over what you do with it.
